How often have we been hurt by something someone said—or didn’t say? Offence is a sneaky thief. It can rob us of peace, poison our relationships, and distract us from what matters.
In Chapter 5 of his new book Making Changes That Last, Dr. Rangan Chatterjee encourages us to build emotional resilience by learning to “Take Less Offence.”
Why We Get Offended
Our brains are wired to detect threats, whether physical or emotional. So when someone criticises us, ignores us, or expresses a different opinion, we often perceive it as a personal attack. But more often than not, it’s not about us. As Dr. Chatterjee points out, “what people say is a reflection of their inner world, not ours.”
This insight is liberating. When we stop taking things so personally, we give ourselves the gift of freedom. We stop reacting and start responding.
The Dog Park Incident
A recent incident in my neighbourhood brought this idea home. In our local community group, someone posted about how he is upset that dog owners were disposing of pet faeces in bins that are close to the slides where children play. The next day, another post escalated: “Lady, if you’re in this group and saw my message, please reconsider. Don’t test my patience and tolerance level.” The tone felt aggressive and confrontational.
As someone who regularly walks my dog and accompanies my boys to play at the park, I felt targeted, despite not being the person responsible. I was tempted to respond defensively, perhaps say, “Please approach the person directly instead of public shaming them in the group.”
But instead, I paused. I waited for a few days. And in that space, I realised something important: while the method of communication was poor and bordering on abuse, the person had a valid concern. The park should be clean and safe for everyone, especially kids. Their frustration, though poorly expressed, had roots in a real issue.
That pause changed how I chose to respond. While I do not condone threats, it helped me understand why he was raising this issue. His tone and choice of words are a reflection of his inner world, not mine.
The Power of the Pause
One of the simplest but most powerful tools is the pause. Taking a moment before reacting gives us the space to assess whether something is truly offensive or if we’re interpreting it through the lens of past wounds or ego. As the Stoics taught, “We suffer more in imagination than in reality” (Seneca). The pause helps us shift from automatic reaction to conscious response.
‘If knowledge is power, knowing what we don’t know is wisdom.’ Adam Grant, Think Again
Reframing Offence: A Compassionate Lens
Dr. Chatterjee encourages readers to ask: What else could be going on in this person’s life? This curiosity turns judgment into compassion. A short-tempered neighbour might be dealing with chronic stress. A harsh post online might be an outlet for someone’s deeper frustration or sense of helplessness.
This approach echoes the wisdom of Stephen Covey: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” When we reframe offence as an opportunity for empathy, we become less reactive and more relational.
What It Means for Relationships
Choosing to take less offence doesn’t mean we ignore harmful behaviour or become passive. Rather, it means we engage with strength and clarity instead of defensiveness or blame. It makes room for honest, courageous conversations instead of emotional walls.
In fact, this posture aligns with research from the Gottman Institute, which found that emotional reactivity—especially defensiveness—is one of the key predictors of relationship breakdown. Learning to regulate our response helps us build trust, safety, and intimacy.
Try This: Your Offence Audit
Dr. Chatterjee recommends a simple but powerful practice: At the end of each day, reflect on one moment when you felt offended or triggered. Write it down. Then ask yourself:
What story did I tell myself about this?
What else might be true?
How might I respond differently next time?
Over time, this daily audit trains your mind to default to grace, not grievance.
Final Thoughts
In a world quick to judge and slow to listen, taking less offence is an act of quiet rebellion. It’s not about bottling emotions or pretending to be unaffected. It’s about choosing a more generous, grounded way to live.
What might your relationships—and your inner world—look like if you practiced taking less offence this week?
Let’s begin.